Lesson II: The Swiss Kiss for Dummies (i.e. North Americans)

It is now time to move on from Lesson I, which dealt with the UN Intern Conversation. By now, you should have it mastered after what has most likely been several weeks of highly intensive practice. In fact, you may not be aware of the exact number, but I would estimate it has probably come in handy roughly 100 to 500 times in the past three weeks.

“Lesson II: The Swiss Kiss” is specially designed to guide the North American newcomer to Geneva. Europeans, feel free to read along; In fact, it may help you to understand the shy, awkward movements of North Americans when you lean in for what, to you, seems a perfectly natural three kiss greeting.

The Swiss Kiss*

The Swiss kiss three times: left, right, left (or is it right, left, right….) in a rapid rush of flesh hitting flesh, stubble against acne, hard cheekbone on dimpled fat, smooth skin on soft wrinkled bags. Aromas of garlic, parmesan, strawberry chewing gum and cigarette smoke flirt with each other in the small passage of air between two faces. Potential for missing makes the endeavor thrilling or terrifying.

Being a North American, I am certainly no expert on the Swiss Kiss and have little authority whatsoever to give instruction on the intricacies of the tradition. This being said however, my identity as a Canadian means I can sympathize with the plight of the non-European who, when confronted for the first time with the challenging task of rapid neck rotation, lip puckering, and precise head placement, is left feeling overwhelmed and out of touch. As North Americans, we  feel at home with zero-contact greetings and farewells , including head tilts, smiles, shoulder shrugs and hand waves. Mini hugs are common among girls, but kissing is reserved for romantic evenings watching the sunset, and other such intimate occasions.

It’s not that North Americans are incapable of mastering the skills needed to perfect the Swiss Kiss. But the situation is made particularly complicated by the fact that a large portion of the Geneva population  is non-Swiss and thus the Swiss Kiss is made frighteningly unpredictable. For instance, what do you do when you meet a French person (land of two kisses) who has been living in Switzerland  (land of three kisses) for several months? Or an Italian (land of right, left, right. Or is it left, right, left and the Swiss is right, left, right? Or, actually, is it just two?). Or a German (land of one kiss… or two)? Ad almost infinitum.

Although at first it may seem counterintuitive, the most challenging situation is actually when one runs into a fellow North American who has been in Switzerland for longer than two weeks but less than a year. This individual will often be suffering from what is known as a “greeting-identity-crisis,” or an intense internal battle regarding his affiliations with meager head nods versus his newer Swiss sensibilities. When in the acute phase,  this condition can cause erratic and, at times, dangerously illogical greeting behaviours. When approaching a suspected sufferer, move with caution, eyes on alert, head ready, poised for quick action and change of course. To determine this individual’s chosen method of greeting, you should be aware of the following potential indicators: slight head shifts (to right or left); fear in the eyes; downward glances or abrupt disruption of eye contact; leg twitches or movement of the feet; elevation of the shoulders, which may be a sign of an oncoming hugging motion; head tilts; cheek elongation;  smile motions; lip biting, a sure sign that the Swiss greeting has been rejected – don’t take it personally; and complete withdrawal from the situation which can take on several forms that will not be addressed in the current memo.

The complications surrounding the Swiss Kiss are compounded by the fact that not all situations call for its usage.

Here are a couple definite dos and don’ts: (note, this list should contain about 50 to 100 more descriptions of the intricate rules of usage).

a)      Do not employ the Swiss Kiss when you see someone on a regular basis in a regular place. For example, do not go into work each day expecting to kiss all your colleagues. This might illicit glares or create underlying feelings of annoyance. Furthermore, you could develop a form of mouth tendinitis from over straining the delicate muscles on the sides of the lips.   However, when you meet regular people in a non-regular place (dinner party, market, airport, small water vessel, etc.), the Kiss is considered polite and you will be frowned on if you screw it up.

b)      Do not engage in kissing when you meet a group of purely North Americans and you are all new in town. The Kiss would just be trying way too hard. However, if you meet a group of exclusively North Americans some of whom have been in Switzerland for a considerable period, the Kiss is a means of recognizing their increasing native-hood and acknowledging their authority as a “quasi-local,” at least in relation to yourself. In this situation, the Kiss is highly preferred and will help set you apart from other less-educated newbies.

I want to conclude by saying, YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL AFRAID OF THE SWISS KISS. In fact, in that rare instance when you are with a cheek pecking pro, the experience can actually be uplifting and confidence boosting. Also, fear of the Kiss has a smell like dog poop on a shoe, and nobody wants to smell like dog poop. So breathe,  smile, and emulate the actions of the best kissers: precise, sharp movements with an “I don’t apologize, ever” sort of attitude. Quick, easy, over, just like that.

*Note: let me clarify for those of you “double dummy North Americans” who are currently not in Europe and may be confused: this post is not about kissing kissing.

“UN Intern Survival Kit – Lesson I: The UN Intern Conversation”

As most of you probably know, I have now taken flight (literally) from Canada and have descended upon the sunny (actually rain-drenched) shores of Lake Geneva. I will spare you the details of the transition, in part because there is not much to say, but mostly because I don’t feel like writing about it. As an intern with one of the many international organizations in this city, I am back on the treadmill (at least for a few months until I finish my internship and once again become a direction-less, penniless, homeless, hopeless little soul trudging through the trenches of middle-class, middle-twenties existence).

To begin, I would like to launch right into it: “The UN Intern Survival Kit,” a flagship publication on the ins and outs of intern life in Geneva, sure to be a fascinating and enthralling read (DON’T PANIC, this whole blog is NOT going to become one of those dry chronicles of interning with the UN. UGGGGGY.

The following guide is intended for new interns looking to learn the ropes, and will be added to periodically.

UN Intern Survival Kit

There are several things you need to know as a UN intern. Let’s start with the most basic: The UN Intern Conversation.

Usage: Use for meetings with other UN interns. (Can be modified for meeting expats in general).

Frequency of use: Approximately 25 times per week. If you attend things such as “UN Drinks,” approx. 50 times per week, depending on your networking savvy.

The Conversation

Intern A. “Hi, I’m Keritolinikasamilia”

Intern B. “Hi….Keritalinka?” speak in soft voice so as not to offend or sound stupid. Another option is simply to nod and smile.

Intern A. “Keritolinikasamilia”

Intern B.  Don’t try to repeat name again “Beringanorasit.”

Intern A.  Nice to meet you. Where are you from?

Intern B. Well….I was born in Thailand, but my mom is British so we lived there for a while and then we moved to the States. But actually I grew up mainly in Poland, and recently I’ve been studying in Dublin. Oh and did I not mention that my dad is half Thai, half Kenyan?  And you?

Intern A. “Wow, that’s so awesome!” Sound excited. “It’s kind of hard to say, really. Born in Italy, raised in Argentina, moved to Sweden around 10, then back to Argentina (my dad’ a diplomat). Did high school in India and then my undergrad in New York. Now doing my Master’s at Oxford.” Give a little laugh as if your origin story is pretty weak.

Note: Modify to reflect your origin. If you are someone who comes from only one to five places, make sure to embellish the story with educational attainments in other countries, prolonged travels or other life events that can up your multi-culturality.

Intern B. “Wow, that’s so awesome! You must speak so many languages 🙂 !!”

Intern A. Give little shrug and smile as if it’s nothing: “Just Italian, Spanish, Russian, German, Portuguese and English, of course! Oh and French.”

Intern B. “Oh I really want to learn Russian! Yeah I’ve been getting by on Polish, English, Thai, French, German, Italian, Arabic, Chinese  and Spanish. But Russian is so cool.”

Note: Again, modify to match your language knowledge. If you only speak one language, you should consider ending the conversation here with an excuse like, “oh got to run, getting a call from my dad in Sudan.” If you have rudimentary knowledge of another language (such as hello, my name is…, shit (and various other swear words), love, no, and other fairly useless driblets of vocabulary) mention this as one of your languages (unless you have a realistic fear that your conversation partner might make you speak said language; for instance, if that language is their mother tongue  (often this is difficult to assess as they may have 3 mother tongues) don’t mention it as one of your languages).

Intern A. “Wow! How many is that?” Count them in your head while using your fingers to keep track of each language.  “Like 9!”

Intern B. “haha yeah…” shrug bashfully. So how long have you been in Geneva?

Intern A. “Just over two months. And you?”

Intern B. “Oh I’ve been here for six” Now you can really assume the tone of a condescending” local “ as you have earned the right with your longer sojourn in Switzerland. “And where are you interning?”

Intern A. “ At the UNSPRDOCIS.”

Intern B. “Oh wow! Yeah I’m at the UNHRUPDVORTD”

Note: Never admit ignorance of an acronym’s meaning. This is utterly crucial if you ever want to get anywhere with your life)-See glossary (coming soon) for more information.

Intern A. “So how do you like Geneva ?”

Blah, blah, blah, as you can see the conversation is a little dry, so I have omitted the middle sections as they might actually bore you (I sure hope not though!). But in a nutshell, the conversation will now proceed to exchanges of opinions – Geneva is either great, or it is nice but small and kind of boring (although you will find that 99% of people modify their criticisms by praising the summertime in Geneva). Following this, the scintillating dialogue will invariably progress to discussions of how expensive the city is. Food prices might be compared with those of foods in origin countries (this may be half the world, depending on your conversation partner). You can’t go wrong here as long as you state several times in a faux-shocked tone (as if your conversation partner were the first person, other than you, ever to make this observation), “I know, Geneva is just sooo expensive!!”

Following this, you have several options for discussion: Past travel, concrete future travel plans, future travel dreams, past studies, current studies, future studies, career goals (although don’t reveal too much as you may need to compete with this person at a later stage in the job race), and of course you can certainly revert back to languages.

If you make it this far without excusing yourself from the conversation, congratulations! You are a natural networker and will make it far in life. Give yourself a mental high five and move on to the next intern, we’ll call him or her Intern C. Repeat above conversation and then progress to Intern D, E, F, G, H, I, J, and so on.