Buuuuzzz. Tinder message. “Fancy having sex with me?” it said in German, in a very long-winded, very unappealing German sort of way. It was an outrageous thing to say to someone you’ve never met before, and it wasn’t coming from a muscled gym-selfie type of guy, but from a pudgy, I-have-food-in-my-cheeks-or-they’re-just-really-chubby, beret-wearing, all in all unattractive man. I’m certain I never “swiped right” to him, but somehow there he was. Maybe one more of my accidental “super likes”.
Arriving in Berlin last August, a lonely waif, I looked to Tinder for salvation. The sad hearted’s new alcohol, I spent the odd evening swiping through its catalogue of men. Tinder, as it turns out, not only promises a nearly endless supply of available dates, but also a guiltless playground for the inner judger. And so I swiped and judged with abandon.
One becomes good at weeding out the bad apples. In fact, it’s amazing how much you can tell from a few photos and some messages, if they pass the photo stage. Let’s try you out on a sample message: “Do U ll like to drink something togheder?” Is your answer “Yes” or “Nough”?
The Tinder write-off list and its variations have been done before, repeatedly. But that’s because it’s just so much fun. Here’s just a couple from my own experience:
- Selfies
As everywhere, Tinder is rife with selfies. Let’s rank them a little because they come in a whole range:
- Normal selfie. Potentially fine but personally I usually swipe left on those. Find a friend, dude.
- Mirror selfie, often in an elevator or gym. D-
- Mirror selfie showing groin region. Thoughts: “Dick!” (figurative (and literal))
- No pictures of himself
Thoughts: “Oh, how intriguing, let me see another random picture of something you like. You’re so deep, I’m loving it. You like graffiti too? What, no? And you have a quote from Gandhi! Kittens? Damn, I don’t care at all about who you are, whether 100 or 10, man or woman, sign me up!”
- About me section: “Live life to the fullest” or one of the 50 variations of this
Literally about every second person writes this. You may as well leave it out and we can all just assume happy happy joy joy, don’t think about tomorrow, YOLO is your raison d’etre.
- Pointing at the camera (you) pics
Imagine the process of taking this picture. Having some beers with the dudes. “Hey, bro, can you take a shot for my tinder profile? I’m thinking of me pointing at the girl, like really I’m pointing at the camera, but it looks like I’m pointing at her? K, so just stand like about here, ok yeah. Ready? [takes shot] Let me see? Nah, let’s do it again. Can you say like ‘hey babe’ and then I’ll point and do my sexy face?” Yeah, that’s good!”
The selfie version of this is impressive for the strong coordination skills it demonstrates.
- Muscle pictures
Especially endearing when the guy actually doesn’t have many muscles, and is really white.
- Leg in bathtub
Rare, but I did see this once in Berlin. Reasonable muscle definition, normal amount of hair and moderate skin pigmentation.
- Making out with girlfriend or wife
Not infrequent in Berlin. “Honey, sorry I can’t make the meet and greet today. Will just be doing a quick leg shave, so will be all ready when you get back. Can you also pick up some corn chips?”
Ad infinitum.
I’ve recently moved from Berlin to Cairo. What I thought couldn’t get worse, could.
Don’t take this to mean that Tinder is hopeless. I’ve met quite a few nice, normal people through it. And probably many of these funny folk up top are actually pretty good people, just with unfortunate self marketing sensibilities. Tindering “success” is just a matter of patience, discernment (nice people’s word for judgement), and knowing when to throw it all in and snuggle with the cat.
Swiping now for old times sake. Just came across a gem; couldn’t even plan for such mastery. American student living in Egypt. Hiking with massive backpack, helping fluffy big dog up ladder. I’ll update you if we get married.
tararachael 